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My attacker seems strangely obsessed with my appearance -- particularly my beard. Under his various fake names he has said that I am a "revolting beast" and a "sick hairy freak" with a "hairy beard" and I "look like a pervert."
I haven't been a hairy freak in about 40 years, and I'm probably much less sick than my attacker is.
Perhaps he skipped biology class on the day his teacher revealed this, but BEARDS ARE MADE OF HAIR, so they are supposed to be hairy.
Some beards, of course, are hairier than others. My present beard, while hairier than the beards worn by Jobs, Lincoln and Lenin, is definitely mid-range -- about the same as Sigmund Freud's beard.
In addition to his obviously diminished mental capacity, perhaps my attacker also has low testosterone. Maybe he can't engage in sex and can't grow a beard -- so he's obsessed with my sex life and my beard. Maybe my attacker secretly wishes that he could rape dogs, little boys and teenage girls as he falsely accused me of doing. I guess we'll find out at the trial.
Clockwise from top left: Steve Jobs, Metropolitan Kirill -- Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church, Dusty Hill of ZZ Top, Lubavitcher Rebbe Menachem Schneerson, Osama bin Laden, Me-recently, Me in the early 1970s, Me at Halloween in 2008, Abe Lincoln. As far as I know, there are no perverts in the group.